Fear of commitments can affect anyone.
Some are afraid to marry, some don't want a mortgage and a full-time job, some don't want children. Such decisions can be based on a completely rational judgment (I'm not saying that anyone who doesn't want a commitment is coming from fear. I was).
In the following post, I share a story with you about how I have been afraid of relationships since I was a teenager. And when I say fear, I mean full-blown fear - the fear that I will lose my life, the fear that the other will lose their life, the fear that if I have a relationship, I will not be able to have a job at the same time ... shorter that the relationship is a luxury I can't afford.
"If I have a relationship, I will die"
"If I'm in his life, he'll die"
...
It's unbelievable, but some of the limits are so deeply ingrained in us that they appear to be the "law of the universe," and that "that's just the way it is."
Since I was twenty, I have had what can be called a fear of commitment. It sounds light and it sounds very "treatable". For me, it manifested itself as icy anxiety spreading across my body. It would turn off rational thinking and command - "Run away immediately!"
These waves of terror came at any time of the day after a date. Maybe even a week after the date. Everything seemed nice and cool. But suddenly, for example, I was in the subway, or washing dishes, or doing something completely unrelated to the relationship - and there was a feeling of incredible horror.
Like sitting on a plane, waiting for departure, and fearing death. Even if you rationally know that you will probably survive, there is nothing to stop that fear. It will completely seize you, obscure rational thinking, break all ties with reality.
Of course, sooner or later I broke up with them. I felt guilty for hurting my dates. And most of all, I had no idea why it was happening to me, why with such force, and why so suddenly, for no apparent objective reason.
I haven't dealt with it for years. I took it as information that this man is not "the right one". And I was either joyfully alone, or I cultivated a series of non-binding relationships in which I did not feel valued enough, but at the same time I did not perceive any pressure that would drive me out of the relationship.
And it brought me many years of adventure and well-being.
It wasn't until this year that my partner, with whom we used to be "non-commited", came back to my life. It was one of the cases when as soon as things started to look more serious, my fears attacked and I ran away from the relationship.
We've each been given a few years to move, grow, find out what we want, and once again the paths have brought us together.
However, my fears did not disappear. My subconscious was able to come up with incredible loops to keep me away from the relationship.
I always tried to breathe in those fears, to clean them up, but they kept coming back. And they came back so hard that they seemed as pure truth. It's just like that. I can't have a relationship. I can't be with anyone.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago, on holiday in Egypt, that my fears overtook me completely. They came, including the feeling of a threat to life, a threat to his life, the end of the universe, just a complete package. The Fear told me - you can only be saved by breaking up.
And I could take it as yes - when I break up, everything calms down, the fears stop and I'll be in that not quite happy, but comfortable alone status forever and ever.
Or I'll try once again.
I was especially interested in why is this fear about the end of life? Why does that fear tell me that I can have either a life or a relationship? Why should I choose between my life and the relationship when I know that the kingdom of the Soul, Heaven in us, is a territory of infinite abundance?
And so I had to deal with situations from the past lives, with blocks from the present subconsciousness, the relationship to myself, the relationship to my parents, the relationship to my own life ... and only when I dissolved the limits in relation to life itself (those that caused me mortal horror and depression that I couldn't explain all those years), the situation relaxed.
I feel like I was born again after a few difficult weeks. I feel weirdly light-headed. It's a really nice and new feeling for me to walk next to my partner in a meadow and not to think about that any of us will die, just because I allow the relationship. I am extremely grateful for that!
But it gave me new depth in how to approach my clients and the Soul readings.
With every such "delicacy", a limit that seems completely insurmountable, and which I will eventually release, my life will shift to new level.
Have you experienced something like that? Any limit you had to overcome that caused you deep concern, but did you end up doing it anyway?
Let me know! :)
